A Moment Of Despair

One of my journal entries written while caring for my mom during her second and last battle with cancer in a moment of despair

My Journal Entry: A Moment Of Despair | November 28, 2022

While feeding my mom this morning and cleaning her face, I thought about how much it means to me that I get to be the one to do these small things for her. It's hard…so very hard. I've barely slept in weeks, I'm an emotional rollercoaster, I've cried until I couldn't anymore, then cried more...my back hurts, my heart hurts, I barely have time to shower or put my makeup on, but she looks at me so pitiful and tells me thank you and that she's sorry I have to do this.

That right there breaks my heart. For someone who is dying and can't do for herself to lay there, barely able to talk or move and apologize to me. My mom...they don't make them like her anymore. She's more concerned with inconveniencing me than her own battle she's facing. She's been that way her whole life. Worried about everything and everyone else but herself.

I wouldn't trade this time for anything. And I am thankful I'm able to do this. I can't describe how much I truly love her and cherish her and the love that she has given me throughout my life. All she's ever tried to do was love and show love the best way she knew how. She told me today that God gave her everything she ever wanted. She wanted a husband and babies to take care of and she couldn't have asked for more.

I can't explain how much I already miss hearing her really laugh and being silly with her and how hard it is letting her go. It's heart wrenching that someone who is so sweet and as meek as she is, has had to endure so much in her life. It hurts to watch her beg God to just take her because she is so tired of fighting.

These past few years have completely broken me and my heart has hurt so bad. I know it all has a purpose. I know it all has worked out the way it has for a reason. I know things will get better, but right now...this hurts. This sucks. This is absolute shit. And she doesn't deserve it.